jaded.

Its been a really long time since I've felt pretty.
And I'm not saying that so you'll comment this saying "oh karasyn, you're so cute! What in tarnation are you talking about?" cause it there is one thing I hate, it's when people fish for compliments. So I SWEAR that is not at all what I am doing.
I'm just getting my feelings out there.

Ever since I can remember, I've always felt inferior and weird around other people.
Somehow, I just got super lucky and made friends with people who were  outgoing, and more socially savvy and I just kind of trailed behind. When I see someone, my brain automatically lists out the things about this person that are better than me. Their hair is shinier, their skin is tanner, they're skinnier, their smile is prettier...the list goes on and on. It's not something I do intentionally, it just happens.

Reading Fashion magazines, doesn't help at all. All the models in them are airbrushed, and size zeros. I know that not everyone is built to look like that, but I really beat myself up for not living up to what magazines shove in my face. Sometimes, I don't want to eat because everything in me screams that if I eat "that" then I will immediately bloat. Obviously, I ignore that most of the time, because I like food way too much. But after I eat something, I hate myself afterwards. It's the days where I comsume only 500 calories that I feel great. and I know that there is something really really wrong with that. And now summer is coming up, and the pressure is on more than ever. I'm always the girl that wears a tank top and shorts over her swimsuit in the pool, because she hates her thighs, and doesn't want anyone to see how white they are. But now I have Tyler, and I don't want him to think I'm frumpy and weird, so obviously I have to wear a swimsuit without anything over it. I'm scared to death.
At the beginning of this school year I started getting acne, which is SUPER weird for me becuase I never had any problems at all with that dreadful stuff until now. I've tried everything, and it's starting to clear up, but knowing that I have stupid pimples on my face really really lowers my self esteem. I just want them to go away forever.
Sometimes, I get really stressed out because I know that there are girls out there that are prettier than I am. There are girls that are funnier than I am. Girls that are more exciting than I am. Girls that are more talented than I am. I really don't understand most of the time why Tyler dates me. He always tells me that I'm beautiful, and I want so much to believe him. But I just can't, because I know its not true.

I just wish, that I could wake up, and look in the mirror and like what I see. Cause I'm so sick of hating myself.