having so much to say, and not a clue how to say it.

this week has been a sucky week for me already. I don't like it. At. All.
But I do like fragmented sentences. they. are. so. cool. Also I find that when reading fragmented sentences, it's a lot easier to interpret the writers tone. like when someone types in all caps, THEY ARE EITHER VERY EXCITED! OR MAD, OR SCREAMING, OR HATING THE WORLD IN GENERAL.
interpreting typed sentences...ah the drama will never end. just add a smiley or an lol jk to the end of most sarcastic facebook status' and much heartache will be spared.

The only people that actually read this are my friends, and I'm cool with that. That means that I can say whatever I want, and it's not like I'm spilling my guts to the world...even though this is the internet...oh well.



Brooke suggested that I write down at least one thing a day that I like about myself. I decided to do it. I think that this might help with my self hate issues. I'm going to keep a journal called "You(Karasyn) are Good Enough." I am going to write down what I like in there, and on here. we'll see if it works.

Day One. I like that I have never dyed my hair, and I get compliments on my natural color which is reddish, and I LOVE red hair.

this girl has a pretty sweet tat!

I am a jealous person. there I said it. I find that I have a hard time admitting my problems. I like just to blame stuff on other people, but most of the time I have a huge part in how I make myself feel. I was jealous when Tyler had to "love" another girl in Les Mis. Partially because she was his ex, and partially because she is super pretty. I got over it though, becuase Les Mis is over and they really can't stand each other anyways. Then I got jealous yesterday because he started this salsa dancing thing at his school, and his partner is another super pretty girl who is a seriously incredible dancer. And then he posted a facebook status about how he had the best partner in the world, followed by :D :D :D, and then saying that he was so thankful for everything that God has given him.

Naturally I interpreted this in the worst way, and immediately the insecurites that I've been trying so hard to push away popped up again.

I'm so scared. I'm scared that one day Tyler is going to wake up and realize that he could do so much better. It's not that I don't trust him, because I do! I trust him with my whole heart, and I know that he would never do anything intentionally to hurt me.

I just do not understand for the life of me why he would pick to love someone like me. I'm a wreck inside. I'm a bundle of insecurities and doubts. I'm cynical. I'm hard to open up, I keep to myself, and I keep my emotions to myself which usually cause an explosion of emotion in the end.

I know that he loves me, and I know that whith all my heart I love him. It's just hard sometimes knowing in my heart of hearts there are girls out there that would be so much better for him. Prettier girls, confident girls, girls that wouldn't cry over every single little thing. Girls that wouldn't be so needy, and have to be constantly reassured that they are loved and beautiful in his eyes.

I want to be better for him. It's just hard.

Well thats that. I'll probably feel better in the morning. I'm a gemini, and multiple personalities come along with that.

Everyday I make a picture folder on my computer with pictures that describe my mood or how I'm feeling. Here are some pictures from todays folder.





negative nancy, debby downer...you get the point.

I hate how I have such a low self esteem. I hate that no matter how hard I try, I can never find anything about myself that I like, or can even somewhat tolerate.
I hate how I look.
I hate my personality.
I hate my skin.
I hate my hair.

I hate the voice inside my head that tells me that I'm never good enough.
I want it to die.

I don't understand how someone can love me and think that I'm beautiful.
There is nothing beautiful in me.

"to love another person is to see the face of God"

so here I am.
I've been pretty quiet on here for the past several weeks, because honestly I didn't feel like I had anything to say. I pretty much failed the 30 day blog challenge, I only made it to day twenty something. I'm fine with that though, because you can only write so many posts strictly about yourself, and pictures of the same thing over and over. An honestly, it's not like people even read this anyways. I'm sure that my not blogging for a while didn't cause frustration, angst, or tears. I would like to be able to document most of the major happenings of my life to look at down the years, but sometimes you just dont have time. I'm okay with this. As I told Brianna last friday during our Red Velvet "I am not a slave to the internet." If I don't feel like blogging, then I am not going to blog. It is that simple.
I feel that in my life, the internet is a HUGE distraction. I'll get online to check my facebook and catch up on my daily blog reads and the next thing I know what should have been a maybe 20 minute thing has turned into hours due to my addiction to hulu and netflix. This being said, I've been trying to just spend less time in the virtual world, and more time in the real one.
During my hiatus I did things that I had been wanting to do for sometime, but I couldn't ever "find the time to do." I baked a lot. I spent much more time on my school work. I read books. I did crafty stuff. I spent time with my grandparents, and played with my little brother. I hung out a lot with Tyler. I did things with friends. I lived life.  and it felt good. really good.  Well thats all I have to say about that :)

In other news: Tyler's school is doing a production of Les Miserables this week. I have already been to two showings of it, and I'm going to two more on Friday and Saturday. I LOVE IT.  At first I was unsure about it. I mean it is 2 and 1/2 hours of straight singing. It's all about death.  But oh my word it is absolutely beautiful. I could watch it every day and love it more and more. Tyler is playing the role of Marius(which is funny because that the character that Nick Jonas is playing for the 25th anniversary production on Broadway and Tyler HATES the Jonas Brothers) Have I already talked about how Tyler can sing? Oh. My. Gosh. He can sing! his voice is so beautiful and lovely I could listen to it all day long. He is also an incredible actor. Oh how I love him so :)

It is super cold here today, and I woke up late so I'm breaking my "never wear sweats to college" rule. I feel like a walking cliche.

this is me being disgusted at myself for not wearing sweats. oh well...I'll get over it :)

it's just that time of year...

for giveaways apparently :)

this time it's a handmade hoodie featured on The Dainty Squid!

obviously, they are super cute, and FREE.

who doesn't like free stuff?

another awesomely awesome giveaway!

Biscuit is having an amazing giveaway! you don't want to miss it! Click on the link to go to her blog and enter!! :)

catching up.

Day 19
Something You Miss

I really miss all of my old friends from high school. I should have made more of an effort to keep up with them over the summer, but babysitting kind of took over my life and I never saw anyone. We all need to have a coffe/cupcake reunion post haste!

I miss being little and everything seeming so huge and exciting. When I was little, I seriously thought that the Ozark Empire Fair was the coolest thing ever. My year revolved around when the fair was coming to town again. I loved bright lights, the funnell cakes, and picking a plastic duck out of a cheap swimming pool to win a plushie toy. Now that I'm older, the fair just seems sparse and dirty. Riding a ride that creaks and was literally put together over night freaks me out, and I pretty much bark at the thought of comsuming deep fried dough. Ick! On this same note would be christmas. While getting awesome stuff from my parents is neat and wonderful, I wish Santa was real. Because that was so much more exciting! Though we still play the Santa game because Troy is still little :)

Day 20
Nicknames
I don't really have that many, but here are some...
Care-Bear(from middle school when care-bears were cool, and though that my name kind of sounding like it was cool too.)
Lari( the explanation is too long, though many people at church still call me this)

boringly enough, most people just call me Karasyn, and I'm cool with that :) I love my name!

Day 21
A picture of you.

taken on my webcam...boring, I know.

Day 22

Favorite City

My favorite city is Los Angeles :)



sometimes sweet giveaway...and an update later to come

so I was just over visiting Danielle's blog and she has an AWESOME november sponsor giveaway going on right now! go check it out! you no not want to miss it.